Robert Benchley Quotes

The Discovery Of Phobias By Psychiatrists Has Done Much To Clear The Atmosphere. Whereas In The Old Days A Person Would Say: 'let's Get The Heck Out Of Here!' Today She Says: 'let's Get The Heck Out Of Here! I've Got Claustrophobia.

I Can Remember The Day When All That A Professor Was Supposed To Do Was To Mark "c Minus" On Students' Examination Papers, Then Gohome To Tea. Nowadays They Seem To Feel That They Must Know Just How Much We (outside The University) Eat, What We Do With Our Spare Time, And How We Like Our Eggs.

There Are Several Ways To Apportion The Family Income, All Of Them Unsatisfactory.

Anyone Who Tries To Keep Track Of What Is Happening In China Is Going To End Up By Wearing All The Skin Of His Left Ear From Twirling Around On It.

For Most Visitors To Manhattan, Both Foreign And Domestic, New York Is The Shrine Of The Good Time. "i Don't See How You Stand It," They Often Say To The Native New Yorker Who Has Been Sitting Up Past His Bedtime For A Week In An Attempt To Tire His Guest Out. "it's All Right For A Week Or So, But Give Me The Little Old Home Town When It Comes To Living." And, Under His Breath, The New Yorker Endorses The Transfer And Wonders Himself How He Stands It.

What Is The Disease Which Manifests Itself In An Inability To Leave A Party--any Party At All--until It Is All Over And The Lightsare Being Put Out?... I Suppose That Part Of This Mania For Staying Is Due To A Fear That, If I Go, Something Good Will Happen And I'll Miss It. Somebody Might Do Card Tricks, Or Shoot Somebody Else.

I Suppose That One Of The Psychological Principles Of Advertising Is To So Hammer The Name Of Your Product Into The Mind Of The Timid Buyer That When He Is Confronted With A Brusk Demand For An Order He Can't Think Of Anything Else To Say, Whether He Wants It Or Not.

One Of The Easiest Forms Of Pretense To Break Down Is The Pretense Of Enthusiasm For Exotic Foods. Just Bring On The Exotic Foods.

There Are Several Natural Phenomena Which I Shall Have To Have Explained To Me Before I Can Keep On Going As A Resident Member Ofthe Human Race. One Is The Metamorphosis Which Hats And Suits Undergo Exactly One Week After Their Purchase, Whereby They Are Changed From Smart, Intensely Becoming Articles Of Apparel Into Something Children Use When They Want To "dress Up Like Daddy.

Next To An Old-fashioned Church Social, Or Possibly A Monster Bridge Party, There Is No Buzz Which Can Equal The Sibilant Buzz Ofa Matinée.

Streets Flooded. Please Advise.

I Once Heard Of A Murderer Who Propped His Two Victims Up Against A Chess Board In Sporting Attitudes And Was Able To Get As Far As Seattle Before His Crime Was Discovered.